I've been experiencing some personal difficulities in my life as of late. Maybe it can be argued that I brought them upon myself, at least by some people.
I feel like for the past couple of years I've kind of just floated through my life, not that it was an easy life I glided through, but the fact that I have been in denial about a lot of things.
Recently I decided I need to be honest with myself in what I want out of my life.
If you read my previous entry, you saw how nuts I went with the future planning. I've decided to follow the footsteps of some of best friends, and just go with the flow.
I've stopped stressing about finding a career, finishing school by a certain point and other things. I've realized that almost everyone I know is in the same position as me who have degrees. Its sadly the norm nowadays. Degrees mean nothing. Therefore I am not going to stress myself out about it anymore.
In my personal life. I am still thinking and battling what I want for myself. I realize that I really adore being on my own. I haven't fully been on my own since I was about 21. It's a new feeling for me... it feels free. I'm struggling to decide what I want in a person or even if I want a person.
I feel like I've changed a lot as a person. Maybe its good, maybe its not. To me though I feel real. I feel like something has changed inside of me in that before I would push out anything from my mind that I didn't think was right. I'd ignore things, or make excuses for things being a certain way when I knew that it wasn't right or that I didn't like how it was. But now... I can't lie to myself anymore. It makes my life much harder though, but at the same time it makes me feel better as a person. I feel more honest with myself and that I can't and won't accept things that aren't working.
For a really long time, I didn't like myself and I actually hated people who were too much like me. I had a lot of self-esteem issues, I actually legitimately thought I was a stupid person, I annoyed myself and a whole slew of other things. But lately... I've come to actually like who I am as a person. Its a really huge deal to be able to tell myself this. I am an awesome person. I am funny, I am smart, I am reasonably good looking (there are far too many physical things I don't like about myself to ever say I am hot or beautiful), I'm witty, I'm cool. I'm a good person. I wouldnt' believe it otherwise if I didn't have a whole slew of other good people around me who I call my friends. Why would so many amazing people want to be associated with me if I sucked??
I feel like at 28 I am finally finding myself and the person I want to be. I am still on the road to discovering myself... and it takes time. I've always been in a relationship, and its felt normal to just be another part of someone else. I feel like with what is going on in my life now, I am forcing myself to blossom as a person, even through really hard and difficult times.
In two months I am leaving for 5 months to go to Australia. I can't wait. I will be growing as person even more in a situation with no people I know, only myself. Getting to know myself is something I've needed to do for so long but haven't...
It's time.
If I cannot be true to myself, how can I be true to anyone else?
Thursday 1 December 2011
Sunday 18 September 2011
Back to the Future
If you know me at all, you know I have an unhealthy obsession with planning, especially when it comes to the future.
Unfortunately for me I tend to change my future plans at least once a week. So for someone who is obsessed with planning, being indecisive can be frustrating.
But lately my worry for the future has been about career prospects. I know this is probably a common thought for many 20-30 year olds, but honestly the more I think about it, the more I feel like its impossible to really get anywhere nowadays.
First I was always told go to university. When I was younger, university was this thing that I seriously thought only rich kids and smart kids got to go to. I really had no concept of the idea of loans or that as long as you had a pretty decent average, you could get in. It didn't really matter as my highschool grades in my final year were atrocious (there were reasons) and I wouldn't have gotten into uni anyway, but I kind of wish I had gotten out of that mentality of university being this sacred thing and maybe I wouldn't be 28 years old and only in my 3rd year of undergrad. But I digress.
Anyway, so university was always held up as this awesome accomplishment. And yes, education wise its pretty cool to say you have a degree. But in the real world, unless you are going into something involving medicine, law, engineering, business and maybe a select few other disciplines, an undergrad university degree really seems to mean squat.
I am talking about my own experiences FYI. Almost all my friends currently hold degrees in various fields. All of them are smart, creative and hard working people. Guess where most of them work? Starbucks or some other retail job. Its not because they are not motivated either, I see them applying for jobs and trying so very hard to get a career in anything, not even just the field they studied (because finding a job in the arts is extremely difficult). I see them frustrated and discouraged on a daily basis unable to find anything. Its scary, espeically as someone currently going through what they've already finished. I really question myself "is this huge amount of debt I am going to have worth it?" Sadly, I don't think it is. BUT I have no other option, because undergrad is the new highschool diploma, and if you don't have post secondary education, you might as well make Starbucks or McDonalds your career. Because you can climb the ladder quite easily without education at those jobs, but customer service is not something I can do for the rest of my life.
Before I went to university though, I did a year of college for an entirely different thing then I am studying now. I thought college was a lot more practical than uni. It teaches you hands on stuff, real world applications whereas uni is a lot of theory. Plus college is a LOT cheaper. I discovered after a year though, that I was not into the program I was studying at all and decided to drop out insted of wasting more time/money. Well guess where a good chunk of the college grads from my program are? UNIVERSITY. So in the end they just went where I was going to end up going anyway. Now I know a couple of them do have jobs in their field which is actually pretty awesome, but most of them just went on to do university after college.
Ok so its been established that you need to have a diploma or a degree. You just have to have one even if you want a slightly better chance. But now everyone has one, so what can you do? Well I guess you can go on and do a Masters. I contemplated Library school for awhile, and its not totally off the board, but as of now I really don't want to spend more time and money on school.
You can try to go straight into the job world, but every single job posting I've read wants "3-5" years of experience or something along those lines. Its the classic Catch 22 situation. I need experience for a job, I can't get hired for a job without experience, therefore I can't gain experience to get a job.
What the hell are people suppose to do??
Networking is probably the best bet. I've known some people who have gotten lucky and found work through friends and their connections. It really seems to be all about the people you know. Even then, its not a gaurantee but that is the most success I've seen so far.
When it comes to me, I honestly still don't know what I will do. I'm damn well finishing university by summer of 2013 come hell or high water. I will not waste anymore time at that establishment. Its honestly a real struggle for me to do this because I don't feel motivated because of all this uncertainty, and money involved. But I know I need to finish, if anything for myself.
After undergrad I've been looking at grad certificates at colleges. I've found a couple that are only about 4 months, and affordable. Mainly I've been looking at Occupational Health and Safety Management. My friends laughed when I told them, but I researched it and apparently job prospects are good (because EVERY company needs one of these) and the pay is decent.
In the end I have no dream job. Even if I did I know it would be something that I could barely make money off of anyway or I would need to do more years of school to get anywhere successful. Unlike most of my friends I don't have that luxery of being young. I have many other things that I want that are more important to me than school.
I just want a career that I don't hate that I can make a decent living wage off of. Thats it.
Hopefully that is not too much to ask.
Unfortunately for me I tend to change my future plans at least once a week. So for someone who is obsessed with planning, being indecisive can be frustrating.
But lately my worry for the future has been about career prospects. I know this is probably a common thought for many 20-30 year olds, but honestly the more I think about it, the more I feel like its impossible to really get anywhere nowadays.
First I was always told go to university. When I was younger, university was this thing that I seriously thought only rich kids and smart kids got to go to. I really had no concept of the idea of loans or that as long as you had a pretty decent average, you could get in. It didn't really matter as my highschool grades in my final year were atrocious (there were reasons) and I wouldn't have gotten into uni anyway, but I kind of wish I had gotten out of that mentality of university being this sacred thing and maybe I wouldn't be 28 years old and only in my 3rd year of undergrad. But I digress.
Anyway, so university was always held up as this awesome accomplishment. And yes, education wise its pretty cool to say you have a degree. But in the real world, unless you are going into something involving medicine, law, engineering, business and maybe a select few other disciplines, an undergrad university degree really seems to mean squat.
I am talking about my own experiences FYI. Almost all my friends currently hold degrees in various fields. All of them are smart, creative and hard working people. Guess where most of them work? Starbucks or some other retail job. Its not because they are not motivated either, I see them applying for jobs and trying so very hard to get a career in anything, not even just the field they studied (because finding a job in the arts is extremely difficult). I see them frustrated and discouraged on a daily basis unable to find anything. Its scary, espeically as someone currently going through what they've already finished. I really question myself "is this huge amount of debt I am going to have worth it?" Sadly, I don't think it is. BUT I have no other option, because undergrad is the new highschool diploma, and if you don't have post secondary education, you might as well make Starbucks or McDonalds your career. Because you can climb the ladder quite easily without education at those jobs, but customer service is not something I can do for the rest of my life.
Before I went to university though, I did a year of college for an entirely different thing then I am studying now. I thought college was a lot more practical than uni. It teaches you hands on stuff, real world applications whereas uni is a lot of theory. Plus college is a LOT cheaper. I discovered after a year though, that I was not into the program I was studying at all and decided to drop out insted of wasting more time/money. Well guess where a good chunk of the college grads from my program are? UNIVERSITY. So in the end they just went where I was going to end up going anyway. Now I know a couple of them do have jobs in their field which is actually pretty awesome, but most of them just went on to do university after college.
Ok so its been established that you need to have a diploma or a degree. You just have to have one even if you want a slightly better chance. But now everyone has one, so what can you do? Well I guess you can go on and do a Masters. I contemplated Library school for awhile, and its not totally off the board, but as of now I really don't want to spend more time and money on school.
You can try to go straight into the job world, but every single job posting I've read wants "3-5" years of experience or something along those lines. Its the classic Catch 22 situation. I need experience for a job, I can't get hired for a job without experience, therefore I can't gain experience to get a job.
What the hell are people suppose to do??
Networking is probably the best bet. I've known some people who have gotten lucky and found work through friends and their connections. It really seems to be all about the people you know. Even then, its not a gaurantee but that is the most success I've seen so far.
When it comes to me, I honestly still don't know what I will do. I'm damn well finishing university by summer of 2013 come hell or high water. I will not waste anymore time at that establishment. Its honestly a real struggle for me to do this because I don't feel motivated because of all this uncertainty, and money involved. But I know I need to finish, if anything for myself.
After undergrad I've been looking at grad certificates at colleges. I've found a couple that are only about 4 months, and affordable. Mainly I've been looking at Occupational Health and Safety Management. My friends laughed when I told them, but I researched it and apparently job prospects are good (because EVERY company needs one of these) and the pay is decent.
In the end I have no dream job. Even if I did I know it would be something that I could barely make money off of anyway or I would need to do more years of school to get anywhere successful. Unlike most of my friends I don't have that luxery of being young. I have many other things that I want that are more important to me than school.
I just want a career that I don't hate that I can make a decent living wage off of. Thats it.
Hopefully that is not too much to ask.
Saturday 6 August 2011
There really IS no place like this
This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to travel up into Northern Ontario to spend my Civic Holiday weekend in Algonquin National Park.
When it comes to Ontario, I feel that many people may not know how beautiful it really is. Unless you are from here, or well travelled in the provience, its easy to think of Ontario as mainly Toronto, Ottawa and then some smaller cities such as St. Catherines, Kitchener-Waterloo etc.
But travel further north into our provience and beauty encountered in the wilderness is second to none.
We set out early Saturday morning armed with coffee and ready for our adventure. My good friend Ayda was awesome enough to be the only driver amongst four females (we live in the city, I am blaming the fact that I am 27 and still don't have a license on that. But I'm working on it!). We decided to travel the non-traditonal way, and avoided the highway for as long as we possibly could. After about 2 hours we ended up in the city of Peterborough. We decided to stop for a bite to eat, as well as pick up some fruits and veggies at a local farmers market. Afterwards we hit the road again.
A couple of wrong turns:
Along with a couple of pit stops, and we were finally at our destination; the youth hostel in the tiny town of Maynooth. Yes we are all dainty ladies who decided roughing it = staying at a hostel insted of camping. This hostel was lovely though, it really felt like a home. Clean bedrooms, relatively quiet, and only a 30 minute drive to Algonquin. So if you happen to decide to go up North I highly reccomend Algonquin Backpackers Hostel.
After we checked in, we decided to head up to the park for a bit, despite it being early evening. We drove into the park and eventually found a nice, secluded beach with pretty much nobody around. We swam around a bit and took in the beauty around us:
Around 10pm we decided we were all pooped and headed back to our exceptionally comfortable beds for a much needed sleep.
The next day we awoke early and went back to the park for a hike. We went along the Booth's Rock trail, a two hour hike where we encountered many sights and little critter friends. My favourite spot had to be the lookout point, a cliff which gave you an amazing view of the entire park.
It was really incredible to see all the natural beauty. To me, there is very little that compare to this. The breeze that whistles through you, the vast, endless rows of trees and the sparkling blue water. Its perfect in everyway just the way it is.
As we neared the end of the hike, we took a break near the water and encountered a new friend. Edgigi the chipmunk. He was quite the bold chipmunk as he would frequently take lots of nuts from our hands and stuff them into his cheeks.
Overall a very fun hike. After that we decided it was high time to go swimming and have a good time. We packed a lunch and other essentials for fun and spent the day at Lake Opeongo. It was a fun way to end a lovely day at Algonquin.
When we got back to our hostel, we sat on a tiny hill behind the building and watched in the distance as lightening storms ravaged the park. It was a spectacular sight, that unfortunately I did not get a picture of, but the memories of the moment remain.
The next day was our final day. We got up later than usual (thanks to our fun-filled evening) and ate an extremely delicious breakfast courtesy of our friend Feinan. She pretty much threw this together and it was amazing.
But like all good things, our adventure to Algonquin had to come to an end. So after a couple of hours we started our journey back to Toronto.
Overall though, I can easily say I had an amazing weekend with some awesome ladies. I hope we can do this every summer because I'd love to relive these moments, until the time comes when I have my own country home and everyone can come visit me. :)
Photo credit: Ayda, Ana, Feinan and Melissa (me).
When it comes to Ontario, I feel that many people may not know how beautiful it really is. Unless you are from here, or well travelled in the provience, its easy to think of Ontario as mainly Toronto, Ottawa and then some smaller cities such as St. Catherines, Kitchener-Waterloo etc.
But travel further north into our provience and beauty encountered in the wilderness is second to none.
We set out early Saturday morning armed with coffee and ready for our adventure. My good friend Ayda was awesome enough to be the only driver amongst four females (we live in the city, I am blaming the fact that I am 27 and still don't have a license on that. But I'm working on it!). We decided to travel the non-traditonal way, and avoided the highway for as long as we possibly could. After about 2 hours we ended up in the city of Peterborough. We decided to stop for a bite to eat, as well as pick up some fruits and veggies at a local farmers market. Afterwards we hit the road again.
A couple of wrong turns:
Along with a couple of pit stops, and we were finally at our destination; the youth hostel in the tiny town of Maynooth. Yes we are all dainty ladies who decided roughing it = staying at a hostel insted of camping. This hostel was lovely though, it really felt like a home. Clean bedrooms, relatively quiet, and only a 30 minute drive to Algonquin. So if you happen to decide to go up North I highly reccomend Algonquin Backpackers Hostel.
After we checked in, we decided to head up to the park for a bit, despite it being early evening. We drove into the park and eventually found a nice, secluded beach with pretty much nobody around. We swam around a bit and took in the beauty around us:
Around 10pm we decided we were all pooped and headed back to our exceptionally comfortable beds for a much needed sleep.
The next day we awoke early and went back to the park for a hike. We went along the Booth's Rock trail, a two hour hike where we encountered many sights and little critter friends. My favourite spot had to be the lookout point, a cliff which gave you an amazing view of the entire park.
It was really incredible to see all the natural beauty. To me, there is very little that compare to this. The breeze that whistles through you, the vast, endless rows of trees and the sparkling blue water. Its perfect in everyway just the way it is.
As we neared the end of the hike, we took a break near the water and encountered a new friend. Edgigi the chipmunk. He was quite the bold chipmunk as he would frequently take lots of nuts from our hands and stuff them into his cheeks.
Overall a very fun hike. After that we decided it was high time to go swimming and have a good time. We packed a lunch and other essentials for fun and spent the day at Lake Opeongo. It was a fun way to end a lovely day at Algonquin.
When we got back to our hostel, we sat on a tiny hill behind the building and watched in the distance as lightening storms ravaged the park. It was a spectacular sight, that unfortunately I did not get a picture of, but the memories of the moment remain.
The next day was our final day. We got up later than usual (thanks to our fun-filled evening) and ate an extremely delicious breakfast courtesy of our friend Feinan. She pretty much threw this together and it was amazing.
We then decided to find a place to spend the rest of our morning/early afternoon without going into the park as it costs money to stay there. We found amidst some country roads a cute little public beach. It took a bit of time though, I mean how could it not be obvious when its such a clear sign?
We waded around in the lake (decided we all didn't want to fully go swimming) as well and built some sandcastles.
Overall though, I can easily say I had an amazing weekend with some awesome ladies. I hope we can do this every summer because I'd love to relive these moments, until the time comes when I have my own country home and everyone can come visit me. :)
Photo credit: Ayda, Ana, Feinan and Melissa (me).
Saturday 4 June 2011
The Musing of a Misanthrope
That title would be a great name for a blog, haha. But a little to negative I suppose. So yes. I decided to create a Blog. I am not new to this thing. I've had an online journal for almost ten years now, and pretty much only my boyfriend knows about it (and I guess all of you do now as well). Its mainly a "daily ranting" sort of journal. This thing I've decided will be my various musing and thoughts on random topics, that may or may not pertain to my daily life.
In addition to that, the main reason I started this blog is for my webcomic, which is something I've been meaning to do for years now and am finally going to force myself to begin doing. I have yet to title it, but the main idea will be people working in a coffee shop (how original), except I got 7 years of experience in this field and I do not plan on making it some lame, hipstery coffee shop representation. No, I plan to use many anecdotes from real occurances that have happened to me in my place of employment.
So there ya go. Thats my overall Blog plan. Hopefully at least one person will read my webcomic. I am mostly doing it for myself though... as with anything artistic I've ever done. I think many people wouldn't even consider me artsy, but thats because I don't go around proclaiming how creative and artsy I am. If I want to do art, I do it and I do it for me. I'm a pretty private person that way, I can't really explain it.
I suppose I should addres what my title is in reference to. Its been an ongoing thought in my life lately that I'd really like to settle far away from cities and from most of human civilization. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate all people. Its not even hate, really. Its just annoyance. I know a LOT of really annoying, really idiotic, borderline crazy people. I grow weary of dealing with their daily stupidity. I've been dealing a lot with people talking about me. As Lindsay Lohan says "I'm tired of rumours starting, I'm sick of being followed." Hahaha...ha. Yeah I'm lame. Anyway, the point is, once I am done with my schoolin' I plan to peace out of Toronto, probably forever. I still have two years here. The only thing keeping me in this city other than two years of school is my friends. I have some of the best friends a gal could ask for. I know I am a very impatient and moody person, and I appreciate the people in my life who can stand me. Thats why once school is over I will most likely move overseas for a year, either Germany or Taiwan (still undecided) and hopefully work and save up some dough to pay off my crippling student debt that I am currently in blissful denial about. Once I come back to Canada I plan to settle most likely in rural Ontario. My dream is to live in a beautiful home amongst lush forestry that is nearby to some sort of body of water (I think this is why I picked my header, very foresty, also because it reminds me of horror movies, another favourite of mine).
I feel like it would take me to be almost fully away from people to be able to fully appreciate myself. I would devote a lot of time to exploring nature, creating art, reading, running and simple pleasures. I am a born and raised city girl, and year after year it wears me down a bit more and makes me loathe people in the same way.
I would love to invite my dear friends over to spend a weekend in the country with me (one of my friends may be a neighbour, I can only hope, as he also has country living dreams) and drink wine on my porch, looking up into the clear sky full of twinkling stars and just have relaxed conversations. I hope within 4 years to make my dream a reality... I don't think its too much to ask.
Well this entry was all over the place. Hopefully I will be able to finish my first comic at some point this week and get it uploaded here.
Bye for now.
In addition to that, the main reason I started this blog is for my webcomic, which is something I've been meaning to do for years now and am finally going to force myself to begin doing. I have yet to title it, but the main idea will be people working in a coffee shop (how original), except I got 7 years of experience in this field and I do not plan on making it some lame, hipstery coffee shop representation. No, I plan to use many anecdotes from real occurances that have happened to me in my place of employment.
So there ya go. Thats my overall Blog plan. Hopefully at least one person will read my webcomic. I am mostly doing it for myself though... as with anything artistic I've ever done. I think many people wouldn't even consider me artsy, but thats because I don't go around proclaiming how creative and artsy I am. If I want to do art, I do it and I do it for me. I'm a pretty private person that way, I can't really explain it.
I suppose I should addres what my title is in reference to. Its been an ongoing thought in my life lately that I'd really like to settle far away from cities and from most of human civilization. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate all people. Its not even hate, really. Its just annoyance. I know a LOT of really annoying, really idiotic, borderline crazy people. I grow weary of dealing with their daily stupidity. I've been dealing a lot with people talking about me. As Lindsay Lohan says "I'm tired of rumours starting, I'm sick of being followed." Hahaha...ha. Yeah I'm lame. Anyway, the point is, once I am done with my schoolin' I plan to peace out of Toronto, probably forever. I still have two years here. The only thing keeping me in this city other than two years of school is my friends. I have some of the best friends a gal could ask for. I know I am a very impatient and moody person, and I appreciate the people in my life who can stand me. Thats why once school is over I will most likely move overseas for a year, either Germany or Taiwan (still undecided) and hopefully work and save up some dough to pay off my crippling student debt that I am currently in blissful denial about. Once I come back to Canada I plan to settle most likely in rural Ontario. My dream is to live in a beautiful home amongst lush forestry that is nearby to some sort of body of water (I think this is why I picked my header, very foresty, also because it reminds me of horror movies, another favourite of mine).
I feel like it would take me to be almost fully away from people to be able to fully appreciate myself. I would devote a lot of time to exploring nature, creating art, reading, running and simple pleasures. I am a born and raised city girl, and year after year it wears me down a bit more and makes me loathe people in the same way.
I would love to invite my dear friends over to spend a weekend in the country with me (one of my friends may be a neighbour, I can only hope, as he also has country living dreams) and drink wine on my porch, looking up into the clear sky full of twinkling stars and just have relaxed conversations. I hope within 4 years to make my dream a reality... I don't think its too much to ask.
Well this entry was all over the place. Hopefully I will be able to finish my first comic at some point this week and get it uploaded here.
Bye for now.
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