I've been experiencing some personal difficulities in my life as of late. Maybe it can be argued that I brought them upon myself, at least by some people.
I feel like for the past couple of years I've kind of just floated through my life, not that it was an easy life I glided through, but the fact that I have been in denial about a lot of things.
Recently I decided I need to be honest with myself in what I want out of my life.
If you read my previous entry, you saw how nuts I went with the future planning. I've decided to follow the footsteps of some of best friends, and just go with the flow.
I've stopped stressing about finding a career, finishing school by a certain point and other things. I've realized that almost everyone I know is in the same position as me who have degrees. Its sadly the norm nowadays. Degrees mean nothing. Therefore I am not going to stress myself out about it anymore.
In my personal life. I am still thinking and battling what I want for myself. I realize that I really adore being on my own. I haven't fully been on my own since I was about 21. It's a new feeling for me... it feels free. I'm struggling to decide what I want in a person or even if I want a person.
I feel like I've changed a lot as a person. Maybe its good, maybe its not. To me though I feel real. I feel like something has changed inside of me in that before I would push out anything from my mind that I didn't think was right. I'd ignore things, or make excuses for things being a certain way when I knew that it wasn't right or that I didn't like how it was. But now... I can't lie to myself anymore. It makes my life much harder though, but at the same time it makes me feel better as a person. I feel more honest with myself and that I can't and won't accept things that aren't working.
For a really long time, I didn't like myself and I actually hated people who were too much like me. I had a lot of self-esteem issues, I actually legitimately thought I was a stupid person, I annoyed myself and a whole slew of other things. But lately... I've come to actually like who I am as a person. Its a really huge deal to be able to tell myself this. I am an awesome person. I am funny, I am smart, I am reasonably good looking (there are far too many physical things I don't like about myself to ever say I am hot or beautiful), I'm witty, I'm cool. I'm a good person. I wouldnt' believe it otherwise if I didn't have a whole slew of other good people around me who I call my friends. Why would so many amazing people want to be associated with me if I sucked??
I feel like at 28 I am finally finding myself and the person I want to be. I am still on the road to discovering myself... and it takes time. I've always been in a relationship, and its felt normal to just be another part of someone else. I feel like with what is going on in my life now, I am forcing myself to blossom as a person, even through really hard and difficult times.
In two months I am leaving for 5 months to go to Australia. I can't wait. I will be growing as person even more in a situation with no people I know, only myself. Getting to know myself is something I've needed to do for so long but haven't...
It's time.
If I cannot be true to myself, how can I be true to anyone else?
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